My heart aches. My spirit is low with unworthiness. I’ve held it in for days. I’ve held it together so that not a soul sees how I truly feel. I’ve gotten good at wearing a mask. It’s like a costume party every day. Sometimes I grow tired of being someone else on the outside.
Why do the little things bother me so much? My rational side knows the silliness of it all, but my heart still aches with the feelings of low self-worth.
What will be the trigger today? Will I make it through without a single tear?
It was a good day. I even felt joy while I took a walk and the sun shined down on me. Almost out of the woods I see the thing that causes my anxiety today. I try shaking it off. I remind myself that it doesn’t matter.
That I am loved.
I hug my daughter and give her a tickle hoping that her giggle makes it all better. For a brief moment, I forget about the thing that made me feel this way.
The dishes are piled high. I make my way to the sink. As I scrape the pot with my fingernail in an attempt to remove the stubborn stuck-on food, the resistance is all it takes to remind me of the thing. The tears begin to well up and my inside begins to show outside. I don’t want to let it out because it makes no sense that something so simple can cause me such hurt. If I even say the words out loud, I may seem crazy. As the tears start to roll down my face, I blame it all on the pot and its stupid macaroni leftovers. I try very hard to keep them inside, but each one fights its way out despite my efforts.
Why do I question my value based on worldly circumstances?
The voice of truth echoes in my head with Psalm 139.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. – Psalm 139: 13-14
There is a silent battle over what I will believe in this moment. I give into the lie and I let out a big, fat, ugly cry. I feel…
Sometimes letting it out and being honest with ourselves is the best way to heal. I have my moment. My mascara (which claims to be waterproof) runs and my feelings turn me into a raccoon. I breathe deeply and then there are short breaths like a 5 year-old after a tantrum.
Then, the tears are through and I have nothing left.
After all the messiness is over, I feel a new thing. It’s as though I have been crying on the shoulder of Jesus Himself. I feel mercy in my soul. I have chose to listen to the lie, diving right in, and yet the arms of Jesus are wrapping me up in mercy when I deserve justice.
The sunshine in the morning washes over me in a tidal wave of grace. It becomes impossible to feel anything but joy.
Weeping may spend the night, but there is joy in the morning. – Psalm 30:5
Grace and mercy have stepped in to remind me that I am loved.
UNBELOVED NO MORE.
The name Amy means beloved. It makes sense that the enemy would try to steal that designation.
I prayed this over myself. I am going to need this prayer for days to come. If you ever struggle with feelings of low self-worth, I think you should pray this prayer too!
I ask forgiveness that I have given into the lies instead of declaring Your Truth. I renounce unbelief. Your word says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That I am not rejected, but accepted. That I am beloved. I am the apple of Your eye. I am of great worth and value. I break any agreements that I have made with the devil allowing the spirits of rejection, fear, insecurity, shame, and unforgiveness to manifest. I command all negative spirits to go in the name of Jesus. Help me to resist the enemy and his unloving thoughts.
I thank you for your mercy and grace. I thank you for taking my sin and shame with you to the cross. Heal and renew my mind, Lord. I am surrounded with favor and grace. I lack nothing because of You. I ask for You to supernaturally help me to overcome negative thoughts about myself and ask you to take authority over my mind, mouth, and actions.
In Jesus name,
If this is something that you need to pray to Jesus over yourself, I have made a PRINTABLE PRAYER that I would love for you to download, print out, and refer to when you’re feeling unworthy! Click here to download that!
I also made this phone wallpaper so that I see this truth every time that I look at my phone. You can download this Phone Wallpaper here. Just save it to your pictures and make it your wallpaper in settings!
2 thoughts on “Unbeloved”
Amy, this is where I live. Layer upon layer and year upon year rejection and self hate has fallen away. Yet the tendency to believe their lies still lingers. Visits. The choice to shut down the mouth of the enemy is daily. I am with you. I have to repent, renounce and break the agreement with low self worth constantly. I do believe the more we resist the more it flees and the less it feeds. Let’s starve the enemy until He dissipates like the fake full of nothing thing that he is. We win! God wins! We are the beloved! We are fully accepted with the Father’s swollen heart that longs to bust open with goodness and affirmation for us…..His kids! Oh happy day! Thanks for sharing this timely piece of your precious heart! Love you!
Thank you, Jodi for the reassurance that I am not alone! It is a daily battle to stop the enemy from his attempts. I give in to those attempts more than I should, if I’m being honest. But there is grace and it is oh so amazing. I am thankful for the weapons that God has equipped us with to fight back. BOOM- take that devil! Love you Jodi!